¡Deferred-ed!

Sus, Rae and I were sitting in a Café tonight, around 7:30 sipping on coffee con leche when Sus asked me what my application to UOP entailed and I realized I hadn’t provided an update here as to what my plans were: I’m deferring my enrollment for a year. I drove to Stockton the day before I left and searched for answers to all my questions. I didn’t really find many. The director of my department was available but nobody from the conservatory was even in Stockton. I got enough information to get me decided but not the information that was important: what was required of me as a music student and how I could pay for school. By deferring I can continue with my life as I had planned before June 25^th and still have the security of some future in a master’s program when I finally figure everything out. Please pay no mind to the fact that it’ll be nine years between my graduation from high school and my graduation from a masters program…

It was really difficult to answer the question “what do you play” to the people at the conservatory. I was sitting in an extremely competitive music school, swelled with money and prestige and I had to dance around the fact that I don’t consider myself an accomplished musician. When faced with a direct question, I had to answer directly:

Well, I played the violin for 8 years, but haven’t touched one in six. I’ve had a few years of lessons on the classical guitar. I’ve played the trombone, and am learning the trumpet. I’m self-taught on Saxophone, but haven’t really played it in 2 years. I played with the Cal Aggie Marching Band-uh and the University Wind Ensemble, but finshed my performance units with Javanese Gamelan Ensemble and special study on the Viola de Gamba. I rounded off my education with a few quarters of lessons with the department’s Harpsichord teacher...

My degree is in Musicology - I’m a music scholar not a musician.

It’s hard to describe the look of disdain on the lady’s face as she said, “well… I’m sure you’ll need to audition before you can pursue a credential in music education…” That’s the main reason for my attendance at CSUS this next year, not only to get a hand on some music education courses, but to bone up on my performance that I slacked off on the past two years, focusing instead on working at Unitrans and my geology coursework… or at least using them as an excuse to neglect my performance units.

When I sat outlining my application process for UOP, I detailed that I needed to write a 500 word essay to accompany my application. When applying to the UC it was something like 3000 words, and for Grad school it was 500... seems a little backwards. This got me thinking however, and I dug the essay out of my computer and re-read it. Despite my apprehension concerning my abilities, reading this certainly reignited my desire to pursue this path. I’m going to included it to end this post:

There have been two moments over the last calendar year in which my passion for music became completely focused, making clear the direction I should pursue with my career. The first of these moments came during my final exam for a conducting course. I was to conduct a chamber orchestra in the first two movement of Copeland’s ‘Appalachian Spring.’ I had done everything expected of me in preparation for the performance, but had never gotten to rehearse with the ensemble. I was conducting fellow students, all performance majors and essentially professionals and standing at the podium before the first movement I realized that this was my first experience conducting a live performance. I was fighting the feeling in the pit of my stomach and determined to stop my baton from quivering in my hand as I prepared for the first beat, drawing in a deep breath… and then the music began. All of my preparation for this moment then came to the forefront of my thoughts as the first note sounded, I didn’t have time to be nervous. It may have helped that the music was calm and serene, but there was something else to it. When I looked over at the first violinist to cue him for his solo, I found him staring at me waiting to make eye contact. Something clicked and I felt the music wash over me. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling, it was like a wave of relief, but more than that, I had let go of everything else and was only aware of the music. This performance was no longer my conducting final, it was unearthing a passion for music I didn’t know existed. Although this was a defining experience in my musical development, it pales when compared to my first concert conducting a youth ensemble.

My conducting final was a concert without a single rehearsal with the chamber orchestra: all the effort (both mine and theirs) was put in before I ever had the chance to work with them. I had missed out on what I would find to be the more rewarding side of a performance: rehearsing and watching the improvement of the musicians with whom I work. This past December I was fortunate enough to conduct a high school band in a concert after rehearsing with them for the ten weeks previous. The result at the concert seemed to be an extension of our rehearsals - but there was something else present. There was a sense of excitement and enthusiasm buzzing behind the students black and white exterior and it made itself known through their music. My experience in conducting this concert was similar to conducting Appalachian Spring, but the time I spent with the students put a filter on the feeling, sharpening a sense of pride as I watched the students perform exactly as I expected from rehearsal, but with a new sense of energy. This experience, more than anything has directed me towards my goal of becoming a music educator. I am at a disadvantage, however as the music department at UC Davis does not include a music education program. To develop the tools I will need to continue growing as a music educator, I need to find my way into graduate studies (as well as earn a California teaching credential) and I feel the best place to provide me with the education and tools I will need is the University of the Pacific.